Addiction
by iluvcohen
Summary: Clare and Eli both have demons to deal with after the accident. Will they find their way back to each other before it is too late for one of them? T for now! Eclaire goodness! R and R please!
1. Four Days, Thirteen Hours

Four Days. Thirteen Hours. Twelve Minutes.

His heart ached for her, that much he knew was true. He could feel the pain in his chest with every sharp breath he took. But the rest? How could he really know what he felt and what he imagined. He knew was messed up. That he felt with every racing thought going through his head. He imagined all of those feelings, though. The feeling that he was losing his girl? Make believe. He realized it all now. It took four days in the ER to realize that it was all in his head. His fears and all the anxiety were just a game he was playing with himself.

_Maybe I am crazy_ he thought to himself glancing at the restraints binding him to the gurney he now called home. A month, they said. Maybe longer if they felt he needed the extra care. It would have only been a couple of days had he not made things worse. But thinking that she didn't love him anymore made him do crazy things, hence the accident. He didn't want to lose her—Without her, he was nothing. So, when she turned her back on him for good that day, he didn't want to feel like nothing. He just wanted to _be _nothing. He acknowledged the stinging beneath the bandages on his arms, recalling how he tried to end himself. The nurses found him crouched on his bed driving glass into his skin and bawling his eyes out, the mirror shattered on the floor below them. The scars would be his reminders. A reminder of what he lost that day. Scaring her was never his intention. He just wanted to be with her. He would do anything to be with her.

Her heart ached for him, but she knew she could never have him. He pushed her away with every ounce of force he could emotionally apply to her frail state of being and it broke her. Her heart was bleeding inside her chest and it would not stop no matter how much she willed it too. Putting on a brave face was proving to be too much for her to handle. For the past four days, she only left her bed for school and for meals forced upon her by her parents. Nothing was going to help. Everywhere she looked, she was reminded of him. His goofy smile, his crooked nose, his emerald eyes. There was nothing that didn't remind her of him. She knew that he didn't mean to scare her. But he did. He scared her the way no man should ever scare a woman. He threatened everything for her in a way that scared her to the core of her body. The images of him rolled through her mind and she felt that all too familiar pain in her stomach. She calmly rolled out of bed and wandered absently to the bathroom.

The accident was her fault. That she was convinced of. She was convinced that leaving him was the only way to keep it from happening again. No one should risk themselves like that for her. She caught her own reflection in the bathroom mirror and shuddered. Her reflection screamed at her that she was disgusting. Her eyes were swollen from tears that would not stop flowing down her pale face, her hair was ratted in the back from tossing and turning on it with her nightmares. _I'm disgusting_ she thought as she admired her body, taking in every curve and misshapen portion of her figure. No one should risk their life for such a hideous person. That she was sure was true. So, she handled the pain the only way she knew how. She brushed her hair back behind her neck and knelt down over the toilet, gently shoving her finger towards the back of her throat through tears.

Hey guys! This is my first try at a Degrassi FF. Read and Review please! Reviews keep me going! This is just the intro. Some juicy Eclaire stuff to come!


	2. I'm Gonna Be Your Wound

"_YOU RIPPED MY HEART OUT" "Eli, please-" His foot slammed down on the accelerator, the rain spilled over his windshield. He aimed at his target and relaxed, finding comfort in the fact that this would make it all better. The lights raced by his window as the wall came closer and closer. His fear had nothing on his love for her. Three. Two. One. Darkness._

"Eli? Eli, are you okay?" Eli forced himself out of his thoughts and back into the dark office he was sitting in. His therapist sat watching him with concerned eyes, tapping his pencil on his yellow notepad. Eli's eyes darted around the room, taking in the cliché dusty bookshelves, the dried up carnations on the desk, and that fucking metronome that ticked away with each fucking second.

"_ELI! DON'T"_

Eli jumped in his seat, his breath growing heavier. He placed his hand over his bandaged arm and winced at the pressure on his wounds, noticing the IV that was still dangling from his arm. She was there, screaming in his head and etched into his skin, there for the rest of his life. She was etched into his body, now, the way she was etched into his mind. Her face never left his thoughts. He could still feel the warmth of her touch and ,if he tried hard enough, he could feel the sting of her kiss on his lips. His hand rose from his arm to his lips as he felt the sensation. Eli jumped from his seat and adjusted his hospital gown as he fidgeted with his IV and gathered his things. He couldn't do this.

"I, uh, I think I need…..to be done….for today" Eli whispered hastily, wanting nothing more to leave that room and the metronome behind. His therapist rose alongside him, but he avoided eye contact altogether. _That makes this real_ he thought. If he acknowledged the therapist, it would mean that there was actually a problem. But no, Eli did not have a problem. Following Julia's death his parents made him see a shrink, but it was no use at all. The only thing that helped was _her_. She was the only one who could see him aside from his demons. She was the one who made him feel like a real person again. She was the one who made him alive.

"Alright, but we do have another required session, and don't forget you have group twice a week while you are here—" Eli had already grabbed his IV and was hobbling on his casted leg back to the door where he was greeted by nurses. _Just one of the perks of being on suicide watch_ he thought. The helped him back to his room and he let them fasten his restraints on his wrists with no struggle. They were almost comforting to him at this point. He couldn't let the demons escape from him now. He was just Eli, alone with his thoughts, left to sort out his world. Maybe now he could make some sense of how things went so wrong.

"_Eli, you scare me. I am leaving now—" She took off from the hospital, running faster than she ever thought she could. The rain puddles splashed beneath her bare feet soaking the formal wear she had hoped he would see her in. Her images of them dancing and having a romantic evening melted from her mind as her thoughts began to fill with grief at the loss of her only love. She needed him. But she needed the one that she fell in love with. Not this monster he had grown to be. Out of breath, she stopped in the dark alleyway behind the school that she had just flown to his side from and released the contents of her stomach onto the pavement, letting her emotions go the only way she knew how. She knew she had made the wrong decision. Staying with him could have fixed everything. But for now, she was too stubborn to admit she was wrong and sat in the alley and cried._

"Clare? Earth to Clare!" Her eyes shot open and took in the booming cafeteria around her, as well as her best friend's hand waving directly in front of her face. Her mind spun and she became suddenly dizzy, placing her head in her hands.

"Clare are you okay?" Alli questioned. "You looked like you just got hit by a bus." Clare lifted her head and shot a nasty look to her friend. "I'm fine," she grumbled. Alli glanced up and down Clare's tortured face.

"You aren't eating. You look like you haven't slept for days. Seriously, Clare, what's wrong? Is it about Eli? You never even told me what ha—" Clare slammed her fists down on the table in front of her and stood straight up, startling Alli.

"How many times do I have to tell you I'm fine before you believe it?" Clare screamed. The entire cafeteria quieted and watched as she grabbed her things and dashed out of the room. She ran down the hall and into the girl's restroom where she dropped her things on the cold tile floor. Clare bent over the sink and watched the water drip from the faucet before glancing up at her own reflection. She really was a mess. Her hair was ratted and messed from not being brushed. Deep purple circles encompassed her eyes and her once rosy cheeks had lost their color, making her look like a walking corpse. _I am a mess. A big disgusting mess _she thought _no one would ever love me this way. _And with these thoughts, she entered the stall behind her and let go of any remnants of food that may have been in her stomach. The acid burned as it exited her body, but she didn't care. Eli had hurt himself because he wanted her to love him and she let him do it. _It's my turn to hurt._

I promise there will be Eclare action soon! It's just a good build. Read and review please! Let me know how I'm doing and what you want to see in this story!


	3. Agony, Far More Painful Than Yours

A month had passed since that night. A month since he had seen her face. A month since he had last drowned in her eyes. A month since he had let her go. Eli examined himself in the mirror of his hospital room. The bruises had faded from his chest; The cuts had healed upon his face. The only reminder of that night was the cast still glued to his leg, but even that would be gone within the week. _Only seven more days_ he thought. In seven days, he would be free from the confines of these hospital walls that had teased and tortured him for the past five weeks. He would be free to go outside and enjoy the summer like every other teenager. School had been released for the summer the week before, and while everyone was out celebrating and enjoying their freedom, he was trapped in the hospital and in his mind. Soon enough, though, he would be free to move on from his mistakes.

His eyes darted down to his forearms. The only reminder of her were the purple scars that lined his arms, perfectly parallel to one another. There were fifteen of them in all. One for each thing about her that made him love her so unconditionally, so fiercely. One for each thing about her that he would miss for the rest of his life.

"Eli," a nurse popped into his doorway, "It's almost time for your appointment." He nodded half-heartedly and she shut the door behind her. He sighed and stared directly into the reflection of his emerald green eyes. The color had lost its intensity since he had lost her. His eyes seemed lost, muted. _Seven days _he thought as he grabbed his crutches and made his way out the door.

"Clare-bear, honey, it's time for dinner"

"Mom, I'm not feeling so well. I think I need to just relax and go to bed early."

"Okay, well, why don't you go take a bath and try to relax and I will bring some dinner to you later."

"I'm not hungry, mom"

"You need to eat honey. Ever since thing _thing_ that happened with Eli, you have started turning into skin and-"

"Okay mom! I'm going to the bath now! Just bring me dinner in like an hour." And with that Clare shut her door in her mother's face and sighed. Slowly, she carried herself to the bathroom and flipped the faucet on over the bathtub as hot as it would go before stripping herself of her clothing. She caught a glance of her reflection in the mirror and just stood in shock.

Her frame had grown so frail that she barely recognized herself. Her once athletic arms we now simple twigs; Her once curvy torso now lacked any shape. Her breasts had shrunken and her rib cage protruded so that she could count each individual rib pressing against her skin. She couldn't even remember how long it had been since she had eaten a full meal. She simply wasn't ever hungry, and when food was forced upon her, she ate only a small portion before relieving her body of the food. What struck her the most was her face. Her once round full face had started to sink in, hollowing her cheekbones and making her face seem hollow. It was her eyes that bothered her the most. Deep purple circles lined her eyes and her once radiant blue eyes had dimmed, turning a dull shade of grey. She didn't look like Clare anymore.

Steam began to fill the room from the heat spilling into the tub. She just wanted to give up. She didn't want to feel so guilty and miserable anymore. She would give anything to just take it all back. But that wasn't an option. She didn't even know where Eli was anymore. Aside from one lengthy voice mail a few weeks back, she hadn't heard from him or of him. It was like he had just disappeared, like he didn't exist anymore. Her heart ached for him, for his touch, for his laugh, for his love.

_This is what you deserve_ she thought to herself, her mind starting to spin. She was used to the dizziness at this point. _You deserve to be miserable for what you did_. She knew it was her fault Eli had hurt himself and for that, she would never be able to forgive herself. Tears started streaming down her face and the room began to spin. She gripped the edge of the marble countertop and sobbed silently to herself over her lost love before her knees buckled and the room faded to black.

"Good talking to you today, Elijah. I'll see you again Thursday." Eli exited Dr. Barrow's office and started back towards his room, where he could be at peace with his thoughts. He had been talking slightly to the therapist for the past week or two, but was still not quite opening up. His thoughts were for him to know and only him. _Just two more sessions_ he thought to himself as he made his way through the activities room of the psych ward. People watched him speed through the room as they played cards or watched the newest Disney movie on the television set. Nurses watched anxiously as he passed through to the lobby.

The lobby bustled with busy nurses and doctors and patients all waiting to be seen for their latest addiction or bi-polar freak out. _I don't belong here_ was all he could think as he hurried through the lobby and towards his room. He made it a point to never hang out among the others. Keeping to himself was the best way to keep himself together. Eli noticed, however, that today everyone was tenser than usual, bustling around like mad men.

"Do we have a room ready for the incoming patient?" A nurse yelled around Eli as he passed the front desk. A younger blonde doctor turned and headed towards the counter and began to examine charts before hurrying on her way, bumping into Eli as he meandered through the lobby.

"Room is ready!" an older male nurse yelled back. Eli shook his head at all the commotion. This person must be very important.

"Make sure that there is an IV ready. Apparently it's an eating disorder. Girl has wasted herself away to nothing, I guess," Eli huffed at the information being yelled across the room. HE was sure the girl wouldn't want her problem spilled to everyone on the floor. She would get the chance to do that later when they forced her into therapy like they did to him. "Put the last name Edwards on the door, please!"

Eli stopped dead in his tracks. _Edwards? It couldn't be….._ There was no way it was her. Clare never had a problem like that in her life. She was probably at home enjoying her summer, and possibly her new boyfriend. Eli's heart pounded at this thought and, before he could even consider the possibility, he shook off the thought and headed toward his room again.

Eclare juiciness coming next! What is going to happen? Review please and let me know what you want to see happen! I am already starting the next chapter and want you guys to let me know what should happen!


	4. All Alone With A Memory

_Her hand shook as she dialed her voicemail. There was no way it was anyone but him. _

"_One unheard message, sent today at 11:11 pm"_

_And then his soft, tender, broken voice filled her ears. He sounded like a hurt child, frightened and alone. She knew that he needed her, but she couldn't be what he needed._

"_Clare—" Her breath hitched at the sound of her own name leaving his lips. She could feel his tears as she listened, struggling to keep her own eyes dry. "I just…I never meant to hurt you, Clare. I never wanted you to feel scared of me. I promise I will just stay away now. I don't want to be the source of all your problems…..I probably won't be back to Degrassi. Just, don't come looking for me okay?" Clare began to sob as the phone went quiet. He didn't want her back. She could feel it and along with that came that urge in her stomach. She got up and ran to the bathroom, throwing her phone on the bed behind her._

_She never heard him come back to the phone._

"_Don't forget how much I love you, blue eyes. I'm always here and ready when you are ready to love me again."_

Clare's eyes flittered open slowly. _It was only a dream, Clare_ she thought.

"Clare-bear! You're up!" Clare immediately realized that she was not at home. Her eyes darted around the room, taking in her parent's concerned faces, the IV stuck in her arm, the heart monitors attached to her chest. It was a nightmare coming to reality.

"What happened?" she mumbled softly. Her mother's hand reached out and took her own. It was so warm against her icy skin.

"Honey…..you passed out in the bathroom. When I found you, you weren't breathing. Your father and I can't help but notice that you have been going through a lot lately. When we found you, I was surprised at how….skinny you have become. We think you need to stay here and get some help." Clare pulled her hand away from her mother's as a doctor entered the room, smiling. _How ironic._

"Good to see you are awake, Ms. Edwards. I am-"

"Look, I am not staying here," Clare seethed," There is nothing wrong with me! I just want to go home." Clare's eyes pleaded with her mother, but she just looked away, wanting to do the best thing for her daughter.

"Folks, it may be best if you leave. We usually don't allow visitors for in-patient care for at least seventy two hours." Clare's parents nodded and bid their daughter goodbye amongst her pleas.

"I don't have a problem!" Clare snapped at the doctor as her parents disappeared. He examined her chart as Clare pursed her lips in anger.

"Clare, over the past five weeks, we have a charted loss of thirty five pounds. That is not healthy for someone of your size and stature. Your parents also told me about erratic mood swings and isolation from all of your friends and loved ones. This all points to an eating disorder. They just want you to get some help okay?" Clare looked up at him with fury in her eyes.

"I don't need help. I know what I need, and it isn't _help_" she spat. The doctor just shook his head and headed for the door.

"Group therapy begins at nine am tomorrow. I will get a nurse to escort you there."

"_Clare?" Eli questioned. They were lying on the hood of Morty, their arms draped over each other. They both gazed up at the stars, her head placed so gently on his chest. It was like that spot was made for her. Their hands were intertwined and their breaths were even with each other. It was a perfect moment in their favorite spot._

"_Mmmm?" She mumbled. He could tell she was growing tired and let out a gentle laugh._

"_Nevermind, you are too tired," He teased. She shoved him slightly with the shoulder that was pressed into his side. _

"_Eli, just tell me," she whispered. He sighed and decided this was the right moment._

"_I love you, Clare Edwards." Clare shifted so she was up looking at him, her chest pressed against his. And with tired eyes she gazed at him with every emotion in the book and said "I love you too" before pulling him into a slow, sleepy kiss._

The sound of a siren woke Eli from his dream. His breath was heavy and sweat dripped down his face. He was used to this, however. It had happened every night since she had left. The mention of the name Edwards earlier had just made it worse. He glanced over at the alarm clock next to him before smashing his face into the flat pillow that the hospital so graciously provided him. 5:13. He had slept for exactly three hours, but what else was new? He couldn't sleep with her running through his mind.

He missed her more than she would ever know. Her face was the only thing that kept him sane through these past five weeks and she didn't even know it. He had told her to go away. He had disappeared. And since that night he was no longer the same Eli. He had disappeared on himself. Now all he had left were the memories of all the beautiful things they once were and what they could have been. Eli shook his body, trying to shake away the thoughts before staring into the ceilings, counting the tiles once more.

"_Eli…Come on!"_

"_I'm not doing it."_

"_Not even for me?" She gave him her best pouty face and he crumbled. He groaned in defeat as she giggled with delight._

"_I can't believe you are making me do this."_

"_It will be fun!" she teased. She dragged him up onto the stage and shoved a mic into his hand. She loved torturing him this way. He couldn't believe that Clare Edwards had talked him into karaoke. She really had a hold on him. When the opening lyrics popped up on the screen, Eli's eyes grew wide and Clare giggled again._

"_Not happening." He stated simply, trying to walk off the stage. Clare grabbed his hand and pleaded with him. Those blue eyes were magical. They could convince him of anything. He sang the first verse of the song half-heartedly, sounding bored the entire time, but when she broke into the chorus with all of her might and he heard her voice for the first time, he couldn't help but to join in the fun._

"_DON'T YOU WANT ME BABY! DON'T YOU WANT ME OHHHHHH!" _

"Clare, it's time for group. Let's go." A nurse had popped into her room and began helping her to unhook her body from all the machinery. Clare reluctantly pulled herself from the bed, shaking all the thoughts of Eli from her mind. Her legs collapsed underneath her as the nurse rushed over to make sure she didn't fall. She had no idea how weak she really was until that moment.

"Can I just….have a minute?" The nurse eyed her up and down before reluctantly saying yes. She steadied herself on the sink in the adjacent bathroom as the nurse left her for a moment. She looked as weak as she felt. _How did I get here?_ She wondered, as something flashed through the mirror that caught her eye. She turned around as quickly as she could and saw nothing. She could have sworn it was _him_ she had just seen in the reflection, walking through the lobby. But she was crazy of course. That's why she was here. Instead of questioning any further, she called for the nurse to leave.

Eli wandered through the lobby, trying to kill as much time as he could before actually stepping inside the room where everyone was waiting. Group therapy was not something he particularly enjoyed. However, he had killed as much time as he could and was now entering the room full of misfits. He grabbed his usual chair, the one that sat in the corner away from everyone else. He made a promise to himself to never actually participate in these therapy sessions. He was only to sit and listen to everyone else's stories and problems and thank god he didn't have a life like that, even if he didn't believe there was a god. He decided to be thankful that he wasn't addicted to meth or shooting up heroin. As he moved his chair even further into the corner, he looked at his scarred arms and realized he was on a drug. Her name was Clare.

"Good morning everyone," Doctor Harrison smiled as she entered the room. Everyone groaned at her chipper attitude. "We have someone new joining us today, so please make her feel welcome when she arrives." She started calling off attendance, making sure everyone was there. _Great, just another fucked up person with a sob story. Exactly what we all want to hear._ Eli closed his eyes and just wanted to be able to sleep right there, but was shaken awake by the doctor's perky voice. And then he saw her. He had to pinch himself to make sure he hadn't fallen asleep.

"Everyone! She is here! This is Clare. She will be joining us for the next few weeks"

It was definitely her. But she wasn't all there. Her face was tired and her spirit seemed broken. Her arms and legs were thin and struggling. He couldn't help but notice how she was struggling just trying to stay on her own two feet. His heart broke at the sight of her pain. He was certain that he had made her this way. He had broken his Clare.

Then suddenly their eyes connected. He knew that she had noticed him in the corner and their eyes became transfixed on each other. All the emotions and pain that they had tried to heal over the past few weeks came flooding back. His breath hitched and he noticed hers stop too…right before her knees buckled and she was on the floor.


	5. You're a Fool, Think Again

_His instinct had him bolting across the room to help her up in a split second. Electricity pulsed through each of them as his hands grasped hers, trying to help the fragile girl to her feet. Her thin hands surprised him as she gripped him loosely and was pulled to her feet. Their eyes met for a moment before she pulled away from him, realizing who had come to her rescue._

_He always had a way of saving her._

"_I apologize for my clumsiness," she said softly, a nurse taking hold of her and helping her to her seat. The boy found his way back to his chair, defeated. He watched her intensely for the duration of the meeting. Neither one of them spoke or offered up their story, both simply saying "pass" when the doctor questioned them. Their eyes met what felt like a million times in the meeting—He taking in her newly frail body, Her taking in his purple scars. She quickly adjusted her gown to cover as much of herself as she could while he pulled his sleeves over his arms. Their hearts were racing and their breathing accelerated. They had found each other. _

"_Meeting dismissed," said the doctor. They both gazed at each other before he took off from the room, leaving her behind, though she was permanently ingrained in his mind._

Eli paced in the darkness of his sterile hospital room. The only light was that of the moon shining through the half open blinds. It was her. She was broken.

_I broke her_ was the only thing he could thing as he paced awkwardly in front of his made up bed. 2:53 flashed on the alarm clock. Another day without her; Another day with no sleep. Her image was haunting him. Her frail hands, her lackluster eyes, her hoarse voice. Every part of her was different and broken in some way. It was all his fault. He could feel it. He had broken his Clare. It was taking all of his strength to not do to himself what he was sure he had done to her. His mind raced with all the terrible things he should do to himself until a faint voice cut him out of his thoughts.

"Eli…."He couldn't believe it, but there she was. Standing in his doorway, looking awkwardly at her feet. She didn't want to make eye contact, knowing if she did that tears would come to her eyes. He couldn't help but stare at her, his eyes fixed on her frail body. Though she had let herself deteriorate to nothing, he still thought she was the most beautiful thing in the whole world. After a few awkward moments he finally remembered how to speak,

"What are you doing here, Clare?" he whispered, surprising himself with the venom that spewed with his words. He wasn't trying to scare her away. He just didn't want her to stay and suffer more.

"I just…Are you okay?" Her eyes glanced up from her feet long enough to notice the sadness in his eyes. She was hurting him just by being here, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come." She turned to leave, but he grasped her wrist desperately, surprised at the cold boney flesh he had in his grasp. His movement surprised them both.

"Clare, please—"He begged with her. Their eyes connected, sending fireworks through each of their bodies. She pulled away quickly and grabbed hold of her IV that she had wheeled along with her. He couldn't take his eyes off of her, and she noticed, trying to cover herself up as much as she could to prevent him from seeing what a disgusting person she had become.

"Are _you_ okay?" He whispered. He searched her eyes for any kind of answer, but the intensity and sparkle that had once drawn him in had faded from them, leaving them lackluster and cold. Her heart pounded at the sound of his voice, wanting nothing more than to hold him and beg him for forgiveness. _He will never love you like this._ Tears began to drip from her eyes down her cheeks. Eli noticed and gently lifted his hand to wipe them away but gasped when she slapped his hand away forcefully.

"I should go. This was a mistake." She huffed under her breath and through her tears, grasping her IV and turning to leave. Her strained voice broke his heart.

"Clare, pl—" She turned and cut him off with a death look that pierced from her eyes.

"No, Eli. This was a mistake. I should have never come here" She snapped through gritted teeth and dirty tears. She turned and walked away, leaving him behind in his cold, empty room.

He couldn't help but notice, however, that when she left her eyes sparkled at him with the ferocity that he had once seen before.

It gave him hope for the first time in months that she still loved him.

Short I know, but! We get some awesome Eclare drama next time. Read and Review please! I update quickly with reviews!


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